Change of blog(?)

To all the people who read my blog (if any), all posts starting from the one before this to those in the future will be posted to www.alvinchanmalichan.tumblr.com instead. This change might be temporary or permanent, but I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for patronizing this blog. Cheers.

On inevitability of imperfection

Here's an analogous means to put the title in perspective. Consider a book that had a page torn out. Regardless of whether or not the reader fully understands the book and comprehends the essence of its meaning upon its completion, the book is inevitably unwhole; it cannot be regarded as a good book even if its contents are highly revered and favored. Likewise, a life that has been scarred by even a singular event, whether stemming from internal or external factors, will have to be regarded as a faulted one. This is the truth of the imperfection of the human condition; we are in ourselves, intrinsically damaged goods.

While this may seem to bring down the noble notion of change for the better, in fact it does not. The first scratch on a new car makes the most dramatic impact (between the state of scratched and unscratched) but that does not mean that after the first scratch, subsequent scratches should be taken lightly because the effects are more trivial (making only the difference between scratched and more scratched). Neither should the reader give in to having even more pages torn out of the incomplete book because of the first torn page, since this will further mar its meaning and may eventually lead to incomprehensibility, unintelligibility and misunderstanding of the book itself. In the same sense, a person has a moral obligation not to despair and give in to imperfection upon its acknowledgment (between the state of perfection and imperfection) but to minimize it regardless of the triviality of his efforts (making only the difference between imperfect and less imperfect). His duty is therefore to fulfill the potential of the possibilities of imperfection and not to ruminate aimlessly or lose spirit for the sake of an unreachable cause. This may seem commonsensical, but reality suggests otherwise. Is it not common for us to hear someone say "since I didn't make it to command school, I'll just go through the motion for NS. I'll just sail through; play by the system and compromise" or "no point la..I'm lousy at this anyway" or the like?

With this in view, two deductions of the principle come to mind. The term used to refer to oneself here is "I".

1) Unless I am able to conduct myself in the most virtuous, honorable and righteous manner in every situation from childbirth as the situation permits, I am to aspire to live the least imperfect life as possible.

As mentioned, imperfection is already irrevocably a part and package of our humanity. The aim should therefore not be perfection or the negative of imperfection, in which one might constantly find himself falling short of expectations of self and having an overwhelming focus on personal inadequacies. Instead, the aim should be to minimize one's imperfection or to maximize its counterpart as circumstance or happenstance would allow.

2) In every action or choice, I am writing my life's history.

In other words, I am the determining agent of where my life goes. There is, of course, the influence of externals, the belief in fate, destiny, and in my case, a personal truth that God has laid a path before me. Still, the key here is choice and its associated freedom. With the path God has planned for me, there is also the autonomy accompanied with the decision to follow or to go another way. The same can be said likewise for destiny and fate, and the impact of external events on our lives, when one can still derive autonomy internally as he chooses his reaction to his situation. The idea is to acknowledge both sides; externally, my life is vulnerable to events; internally, I decide the authenticity of my choices. I am the determining agent of where my life goes; not the sole-determining agent, but a determining agent nonetheless. Since choice is what determines one's walk in life, and the legacy he leaves behind, there is an onus not to neglect the importance of every choice, minute or major, along with the principles and virtues he chooses to adopt, and an imperative to choose to use these principles and virtues to make choices.

As T.S Eliot tersely said,
"There is only the flight to recover what is lost and found and lost again and again; and now, under conditions that seem unpropitious. But perhaps neither gain nor loss. For us, there is only trying. The rest is not our business..."

The rest is, perhaps, best laid in the hands of one who is already in the state of perfection...

Narcissistic Singaporeans

I remember 2 definitions of Immanuel Kant's concept of Categorical Imperative.

1. Act only according to that maxim (principle of action) by which you can, at the same time, will that it should become a universal law.

This is in conjunction with the widely known Golden Rule (do unto others as you would have them do unto you) in the aspect of reciprocity. In other words, in everything you do in relation to others, regardless of how minute or insignificant, you should be able to readily accept and advocate the idea that everyone else should do the same (in terms of principle) to each other, to your friends, your loved ones, even (and especially) yourself.

2. Act so that you treat humanity, whether in your person or in that of another, always as an end and never as a means only.

Never treat people as a means only. Never look at your students as a stack of report cards. Never treat your employees as an extension to the machines. Never degrade a person to a thing. It is acknowledging the intrinsic value and dignity of a person regardless of his deeds, good or bad, instead of looking upon him as an irrelevant object to make use of or to enjoy as his expense. If living as the last person alive in the world is bad for you, then this is something to practice since it makes people persons.

The opposite of Kant's code of ethics would probably take the form of narcissism. Narcissists are people who are self-absorbed, callous and indifferent to the plight of others. They are usually lacking in ability to imagine and be sympathetic or to relate to others, except to themselves. Narcissists are not necessarily cruel or evil, they are simply neutral to the circumstances of others. Usually the things they do are for the betterment themselves; whatever else that happens is discrepant and unimportant.

The truth is that there is a narcissist in every one of us. The difference is the extent to which it forms our character. When it comes to an overall view of Singaporeans, I find the picture bleak to the point of near despair. Our people only grow further from being a gracious, moral society each day. Even the simplest and easiest kind acts are few and far between. There has to be campaigns and slogans and advertisements and schemes to encourage and remind people to be courteous and adopt a good nature to others. For some people, building others up, being moral and courteous - these are just ways to enhance themselves or to build up their image. Again, it is about self, not others. Hardly do people ever do good things when it is inconvenient or at their own expense.

I'm not speaking in life-changing terms like becoming a religious martyr, or dedicating a whole life to charity or being a full-time philanthropist. I'm merely looking at simple things - speaking nicely of people, being a good neighbor, being filial to parents, respecting a person's dignity, not thinking that the whole universe revolves around oneself. Is this culture the result of a super competitive, super efficient and excessively worked society? My rat race, my status, my self-enhancement, that's all that matters. Friends and relatives matter too, as long as they can benefit me in some way. Is this all? There are surely virtuous people who nobly act in a way that emphasizes equal importance between others and themselves, some even putting others in priority. But that seems to be the vast minority, the norm seems to be almost opposite. In the midst of all this, I wonder what happened to the principles of living with people we try so hard to instill in our children, our friends and people around us. We don't have to know Kant's Categorical Imperative to live ethically. Most of us develop that principle pretty much as common sense. Yet while nearly all of us think ethically, only a handful live ethically.

I'd love to have someone convince me otherwise, and I'd like to believe that this perspective is but a biased myopic sense of what Singaporeans are truly like. But each time I start to have a little faith in people, something never fails to come along and disappoint me. Even reading the comments on Jack Neo's recent scandal proves my point. So few are actually sensitive and wise, while most are simply filled with vengeance, hate, scorn and callous remarks. The result of all this is a disproportionately small circle of people I can really trust in relation to all the people I know. It's puzzling even to me as to why I bother to trouble myself over how moral or ethical or virtuous society is. I guess in a way I want to be proud of being Singaporean, and no matter how disgraceful people become, there will always be a dormant hope that somehow, someday, the norm will be people of value and virtue living collectively in harmony. But for now, at least for me, society is mostly people who are mostly narcissists.

Progress vs. Contentment

In this note I'm writing down my thoughts about progress and contentment because I've noticed how in some people's routines (and my own) the two seem to be mutually exclusive.

Everyone knows this phrase - the grass is always greener on the other side. Not long ago there was a documentary on discovery channel where scientists are looking at the possibilities of implanting microchips into our brains in the future. The benefits are many but lets focus on one, the possibility to download and retain information instantly. Lets say we live in a world where this already the norm. Who will be admired and respected the most? A scientist or a complex mathematician will not intrigue anybody because anyone can be have their capabilities just as easily as clicking a button. But being a singer will still be unique because the technique and ways to sing can be downloaded but not the ability to sing itself. A simpler way of seeing it would be people not admiring a great and precise cooking skills, but the creation of new recipes and cooking styles. The principle here is what we do not have will almost always seem more precious than what we do, and hence the need to always have more.

Progress is good. Improvement is good. People were impressed when Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France over and over again, but even more so when he came back from cancer to win another race. We like to see things go from worse to better, especially when it comes to our own lives or the lives we are concerned of. It could be packing your room in one day, repainting the wall in a week or learning to be compassionate over ten years. The process of learning and improvement appears to be like the chicken and the egg - that is, each leads to the other. A musician who builds his way out of the slums is likely to become more mature and virtuous than a musician who is equally skilled but had everything fed to him from the start. It's even true that sometimes, we respect the one who progresses the most more than the one who accomplishes the most. This is probably the reason movies often show the underdog rising to the call of being the hero. It relates to the sort of progress we love and want in our own lives.

What if progress comes at the sacrificial cost of something of intrinsic value? Picture the businessman who neglects his family in his quest for abundant riches or the politician so power-hungry he becomes corrupt. I saw a statement in a GP comprehension saying, "Enough is not a possibility for us" or something similar parallel in meaning. Always working aggressively for more. Always grasping tenaciously for expansion. There is a simple and wise Buddhist saying that takes a second to understand and a lifetime or more to live out. "Be contented". Be contented. Be contented with your work. Be contented with your family. Be contented with what you have. This is the fundamental problem the businessman and politician have.



But there's a problem. I've said earlier that progress is because of our innate wanting to have what we lack, and here I'm turning around to say that it is important to be contented with what we already have. Wouldn't it be true that contentment and progress are now the flip side of each other? I don't think so. There is a big difference being contentment and stagnation, though in real life they tend to be accepted as a package. Being contented with your current job does not mean not having a drive to work hard for a promotion. It's pointing more towards being appreciative of your current position, and not grumbling and complaining. In other words, what contentment means is to understand the value of what is in your hands, without undermining it by comparison or envy whether it is to others or a vision of what you wish you had or think you deserve. This is also different from not having a vision or goal. A vision or goal is something you aspire to progress towards, not something you use (whether consciously or not) to be displeased with the current (in other words, discontentment). This form of contentment allows you to exercise the power of going from worse to better at the same time.

Of course, I'm offering my perspective from a principle point of view. I don't live out everything I say.

Is happiness all that matters?

I never used to think much of this question. Whenever anybody started to discuss this, my answer would be along the lines that as long as there is happiness, that life is probably worth living and without it, everything else will be dreadful. Happiness is everything. Period. But it's funny how mindsets can be challenged by the strangest things. I was shaken when I watched The Matrix for the 2nd time yesterday.

Suppose technology advanced in such a way that there really is a Matrix in our world, one that is run by very kind scientists and programmers, not by an evil computer. Any of you can choose to hook yourself up to a virtual world of your liking. It may sound drastic, but here is an opportunity for you to live a life of complete, blissful happiness without any frustration or worries. If you find it troubling to know that you are living an illusion, it can be programmed for you to not know it as well. Will you hook yourself up? I don't think so. Somehow, even if you may not know it once you are in the Matrix you programmed, there is something inherently bad in choosing such a life. Picture it this way. If your daughter were to choose to hook up to the Matrix and live her program till the day she dies, will you agree? You will probably be disappointed by the life she chose to live. But isn't it true that parents tell their children to go ahead "as long as it makes you happy"? Why should a parent not want his child to have total happiness? Surely there must be more than that that matters.

I think loosening my grip on the stand that happiness is everything brought an allowance for perspective as well. If one day I were to be slouching on a very comfortable bench in the park, listening to music and feeling as ease minding my own business. A kid falls in front of me and is hurt. What should I do? If happiness is all that matters, then what would make the most out of my life would be to stay where I am because helping him would disturb what good I have going. I believe most people will find my life heavily flawed if I were to choose that response.

Lets say I start recording my happiness level regularly. If I have a positive net overall level of happiness, but a large fluctuation of values and some negatives when comparing the individual records, can it be said that my life is going well? Perhaps this shows that aside from happiness, other aspects such as stability and certainty is important as well. And if my overall is negative, shouldn't I just kill myself (considering happiness is all that matters)? And yet people who suffer from poverty, from disease and circumstance live on. And if happiness is all that matters, why would people like the monks and missionaries do what they do knowing it is indirectly voluntarily giving themselves negative values of happiness?

There's so much to this question it's no wonder there has never been an absolute answer, only arguments.

Relativist

Here's a way to view things. From a relativistic point of view. When a relativistic perspective is adopted, there is a much better understanding to why people are the way they are, and how they live their lives. A relativist understands that, in each culture or norm or groups of people, there are different truths and ethics. There are 'truths for you' and 'truths for me'. There are 'truths for us', and 'truths for them'. A relativist need not adopt all these truths to see them as his own reality, but he understands that they form the basis of how the people who believe in them live.

The easiest way to get the picture is to look at cultures of different extremes. Back in the 4th century, Christian monasticism was on the rise and so was the number of ascetics. People in Egypt took on extreme forms of lifestyles and habits that would be seen today as self torture. One man stood on a pillar and continually bowed up and down in prayer for thirty years. Another chose to live in a well. Some formed a group and grazed only on grass to survive. Everything and anything they did would appeal to us as strange, dumb and extreme.

To understand them, we should look at the marathon runners of today. During the marathon, wouldn't it be nice to step aside, drink some cool water, shower and lie down in bed instead? But the marathon runner pushes on. To the marathon runner, running and keeping up an active routine is the way to a better life for him. A healthy lifestyle is good. That is the 'truth for him'. So he keeps running to perfect his lifestyle, and even to compete with others as the best runner. Likewise, wouldn't it be nice to step out of the well for fresh air and light, or to eat delicious food other than grass? It may seem strange, but people in Egypt had heavy respect for the ascetics because asceticism was seen in those days as a means to earthly perfection. The more extreme, the more respected and holy they were perceived to be. Religious leaders and pilgrims would travel to seek out these ascetics to consult them and to take on this form of lifestyle themselves to emulate or imitate their 'divinity'. A life devoid of pleasure is good. This was the 'truth for them'. They lived up to their cultural expectations and was ethically righteous in their understanding of truth. And if discipline is good, they had that. If devotion is good, they had that too.

Taking on the relativist point of view, we can now understand why the ascetics lived the way they lived. Applying it to my life today, I cannot force a gay to love a girl just as he cannot force me to love a guy. I cannot force a person to become Christian just as he cannot force me to become a wild hedonist. Each person has his own set of truths, ethics, and inadequacies. How can we hope to change a person then?

I would like to believe that the answer is to be selective in our perspective, to listen to the person's truths and to hear his story. There is no need to agree and abide to others' truths, but the need to understand is there. Maybe then, the person will reciprocate and be open to your truths, and to accept them. Maybe by being a relativist, we can understand what that person is saying. Someone once said that it is possible to "listen a person's soul into existence". I like the way that is put.

But too bad..I'm really not that patient hahaha

A note in remembrance of mortality

When I was a child, I used to think that people lived forever. No one dies, nothing associated with people and its memories are ever lost. People just live on and forever. I thought that the only form of permanence we sought was the bonds between people, and time was not an aspect that made this temporary. Just like the rest of us, I found out that people die and came to terms with the elementary truth our mortality. I've lost my capacity to be shocked by the fact. Recently, I was with a friends little brother who saw a dead bird on the road. He asked, "Why do animals have to die if we don't?". I told him blatantly that we do. His expression that followed was as if my statement had some sort of traumatic effect on him. My immediate thought was, "Wait a minute, isn't that how I was before?" There and then came a second realization of our mortality.

The next question that followed was even more intense. He looked at me and asked, "If we are all going to die anyway, what's the point?" One day, our lives will be forgotten. Things decay, great moments pass..from a 10000 year perspective, even a great theory or book is just a quick splash. If we look at our daily lives this way, is it correct to say that there is no point to life if nothing is of lasting significance? In a heavy mood, I find it hard to even place effort in things that pass quickly. A family dinner, an outing, new year gatherings..none of it makes a difference when we are 'discontinued'. But then again, can it be said that transient things are things of no value? If a child builds a sandcastle, it will inevitably be an important part of his childhood even if no one sees it and it gets washed away quickly. When I think of it this way, moments of our lives become a precious and non-recyclable resource we can only reflect on, but not revisit. Is transience inherently negative?

But why an end to life? Why end a person's story? Since the day we were born, we were running out of time. Why not a life with no end? Some people say that death serves as a deadline that drives us to be the best we can and that without death, people would only live in an eternity of procrastination. Why learn cooking now when I can learn a decade later, or a century.. Some say that death brings beauty to life. Death and all its aspects bring out compassion, empathy, love, and the courage to live life, without which life will only be known as a plain, easy, spoon-fed existence. But what about people who live to the fullest without having a revelation of their own mortality? I once read about a man who had 9 children, was absurdly rich, and was widely respected and famous (think his name was tolstoy??). His strong drive to live was only disrupted later in his live when he realized nothing will last on the day he dies.

If we were to view every worthy deed as sowing grain, should we look to the field, or to the granaries? If a well accomplished man with granaries filled with golden grain and a thug with barely any yield both passed away regretting their lives, is it that the well accomplished man had too strong an appetite for a permanent legacy and the thug understood his inadequacy and the poverty of his deeds? Tolstoy (?) was a well accomplished man, but his nonacceptance of mortality and impermanence changed his view to see himself as the thug who had nothing in his granary. I wonder when I'm in my last moments, will I ruminate on this and think, "Wow, I have a granary that constitutes the story of a person's life." or will my granary be, to me, empty? If it is empty, the one thing I will need is more time, which I will not have. Wouldn't that be a terrible way to end?

So how did I answer the little boy's question? I smoked him through saying, "You have to find your faith in living." and I honestly do not understand what I meant.

Dreams

Dreams since young till current date

*=) = fulfilled already
*=( = broken already
*NA = not attempted yet

=) Own a remote controlled airplane
=) Own a dreamcatcher
=) Have the coolest and fastest Tamiya car
=) Have Guppies
=) Have a dog
=) Collext 100 milo cans
=) Do 20 pull ups at one go
=) Nurture a plant and pluck its fruit (did it with a chilli plant)
=( Fill Piggybank with $1 coins
=( Sail around the world in a paper boat
=( Swing a swing 360 degrees
NA Build a snowman
NA Fly a kite (how sad!)


=( Do well in O Levels
=) Do well in A Levels
=( Be a pilot
=) Be an Officer of the Singapore Armed Forces
=) Write a poem
=( March in National Day Parade
NA Drive a car
NA Watch an orchestra
NA Watch a live musical play
NA Have a bottle of Inniskillin white wine all to myself


=) Cycle around Singapore
=) Shoot a gun, blow a bomb and launch a missile
=) Catch a fish
=) Sleep in the great outdoors under the open sky
=) See a shooting star
NA Go skydiving
NA Dive in the Great Barrier Reef
NA Visit the Tioman Islands


=) Bring grandma out for meal
=) Dedicate one full day to sister
=) Have a girlfriend
=) Treat family to a fantastic meal
=) Fish with Dad
=) Cook with mum
=) Have a quiet, homecooked, relaxed dinner with whole family
NA Learn Baking
NA Cook for my future wife
NA Have 2 children
NA Marry
NA Open a provision shop when I'm old
NA Live in a small, quiet community
NA Visit Aunty Yonie in the Phillipines

"If" by Rudyard Kipling

"If" by Rudyard Kipling


If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;





















If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breath a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Children are playful. They run around, satisfy their hunger for fun and games, and do everything they can to shun their parents because they want to be free. But when the thunderstorm comes, these kids run into their parent's bedrooms to find safety in their arms and presence and in it they sleep tight.

We, as young adults, and many of the older ones, laugh at such behaviour. We think we are mature, able to handle ourselves and the times and tides. We want our freedom, our will, our way. Only in the face of overwhelming darkness, when all other avenues fail, we find ourselves yearning to return, once again, to the arms of the Almighty...

And yet we laugh at them...

Game of Life

There was a night before book in, I was with my dad talking. The conversation led to reminiscing our young days, of fun and friends and learning. Eventually we recalled the games we used to enjoy, some of which we invented, some of which ran in the family, some of which my sister forced me to play, most of which are forgotten today.

1. 5 stones


2. Erasers! I threw away the whole box of country erasers I won from primary school. Waste.


3. Spinning tops


4. Coin game. Something my primary school class invented. Simply use your coin and knock the others off the table and keep the spoils. An easy way to get a free recess. Muahaha


5. Chateh


6. Hopscotch


7. Swings. Something deemed too dangerous for modern playgrounds. Poor children of today wouldn't get to feel that viking-like experience when their mummies bring them down to play.


8. Crabhouses. We made our own out of mattresses, blankets, pillows and any handy stuff we can get our hands on. I still make them today. Except they are made out of sandbags, groundsheets, iron pickets, camouflaged nettings and stationed with mounted automatic rifles.


9. Seesaws. Another unique part of the playground which has been replaced by those with springs for safety. The damn thing doesn't even go up and down. It just bobs.


10. Skipping ropes


11. Paper pop. We used to make and design new ones and compete to see who makes the loudest pop. The champion wins a prize - the teacher's wrath.


12. Paper mouth. Those 4-way things you fold and write stuff on, and ask your friend to choose a side until it leads to an outcome. Argh. No idea how to describe it clearly.


13. Paper guns. We used to go around pretending they were real and fighting battles with each other. I get to relive that part of my childhood nearly everytime I book in. Somehow, it doesn't seem as fun.


14. Pickup sticks. This was something I played with my sister all the time at my grandmother's home. It is among my most treasured moments.


15. Paper bullets. A mischievious game for mischievious boys.


16. Rubberseeds. I pick them up from Bukit Timah Nature Reserve. Just pierce a hole using a needle and thread a string through it. The same goes for the other end. It both are the same weight, the should swing and bounce off each other when you hold the string in the middle and bob up and down. It gives off a pleasant 'tick tick tick'.


17. String saw. Something my dad taught me. Take a flattened heavy bottle cap, poke two holes just a little away from the centre, put long string through both and tie the ends together. When you pull, the momentum causes the thing to spin, hard and fast like a chainsaw. Usually the string ends up breaking from the friction though.


18. Lallang grass. My dad taught me a method to use the leaves on each side of the stem to launch the stem itself. It flies up and then pokes into the ground like an arrow. Real cool. I still do this all the time during the boring outfield missions. But none of mine flies as high as my dad's.


19. Paper planes. I used to have a book on this. How to make gliders, the hawk, concords..


20. Boomerangs. Those made out of ice cream sticks, that is.


21. Sepaktakraw. (no idea how to spell it)


22. Waterbomb fights. Another childhood game my sister and I used to play at our corridor.


23. Paperboats. I never get tired of watching it float down the drain. Even today. It gives me a real peaceful feeling. Sometimes I wish I could sail the world in a paperboat.


24. Blanko wheels. Use up the blanko, but do not detach the long stretch of paper. Just uncoil it and throw the wheel around. It makes a real cool trail.


25. Liquid paper pods. Another primary school game. We used to squeeze large amounts of liquid paper on a surface and once the top layer has dried, pop them. The teachers usually know; it isn't hard to see our white fingers.


26. Spinning pen caps


27. G2 Pilot pen guns.


28. Guppy fishing. Something my dad and I used to do. For some reason, there aren't guppies in the drains today anymore.


29. Shooting ice cubes. I used to be deadly accurate, because of all the practice I get. Heh heh heh.


30. Skimming stones on water. Another thing that I never get tired of. The most I got was 5 bounces.


31. Sweet wrapper whistling


32. Armpit farts. A primary school favourite. Once one starts, the rest follows. Imagine a whole class filled with farting sounds.


33. Water bottle cyclones


34. Water bottle waterguns


35. Small rubber balls. The kind easily available from the $1 machines. Not common these days though.


36. Blue tack. I used to stretch and fold them the same way La Mian Xiao Long Bao makes their noodles.


37. Magnets. My dad gave me some really strong ones that couldn't be purchased from the common bookshop. With one under the table and another above it, I had all sorts of fun. Killed plenty of boring lesson time as well.


38. Metal puzzles. Those that were sold in bookstores. The goal was to take out a certain piece and it can only be done in a certain way. I hated the thinking required, but my sister eventually got me addicted to it.

I couldn't help but notice how these games were so simple, yet at that time it was worth hours of entertainment and joy. Somehow, it seemed like what made it enjoyable was not the game itself, but the interaction with the people playing it. The time we devoted to one another, privileged and blessed with each other's company. I think that's what brings meaning to the game.

Likewise, relationships and loved ones are the things that bring meaning to life. Since my enlistment in the army, there as been a shift in focus from pride and prestige to people and God. Many other things seem less important now. The things that now take hold are the things that have always been there, things I've taken for granted. Things that matter. And in the bonds and memories we share, there is always a deep, spiritual value hidden in it, though sometimes it is left to fade or be forgotten.

Beautiful Thailand

I've been training in Thailand over the past 3 weeks. Many of us in my platoon were upset about having our overseas missions in Thailand and not Taiwan. I felt the same, until I went for a navigational exercise.



I slowly opened my eyes to the surroundings as my team and I trekked day and night through the countryside. There is a profound beauty hidden in the land. The place is really open and spacious. A mountainous scenery laid in the background. The local villages we passed through were small, simple and humble. Its people were friendly and sincere. The elderly wove at us and spoke words we did not understand, but their warm smiles were already a greeting. The children ran to us with curious eyes. I'm guessing they were intrigued by our foreign faces and rifles.



At night, the temperature would shift from scorching hot to shivering cold. By last light, every breath came out as smoke. From what I heard, Thailand was declared in a state of emergency because some places dropped as low as 2 degrees celcius. Our training area reached about 5. My closest friends and I would gather in our harbouring area to share a fire. Every night was pure magic. The night skies in Thailand are dotted with stars for as far as the eyes can see. Under those skies we would warm ourselves and cook hot meals while sharing our goals and future plans. Sometimes, we would keep quiet and watch the wood burn and crackle, or appreciate the sparkling stars.




At those times, life couldn't have gotten any better. I felt so blessed, I would have died a happy man. God was with me.


The experience was unlike any trip I've been to. No packaged tour or outing has ever inculcated such a rich and meaningful experience. These memories I now have are priceless. Yet another story to tell my future grandchildren. =)



It's a pity any photos we take on training are automatically restricted, but I found some photos on the Net that roughly show how the place looks. Lots of sugercane and tapioca plantations, some padi fields, very spacious.

My Mum

I remember a time back when I was in OCS Service Term. It was just before book in, and at those times I would be extremely depressed and down. Just an hour before setting off, my mum started singing some Christian songs softly while carrying out some chores. It wasn't the nicest, or the strongest, or the most perfect voice. It was a little out of tune. But at that moment I felt my ears being greeted by the sweetest sounds. It was the most soothing, most beautiful, mood-lifting voice on earth at that point in time. Familiarity always seem to make the ordinary extraordinary, just like how simple home-cooked food is more heartwarming and enjoyable than the sophisticated restaurant dishes.



I've gone through 25 weeks in OCS so far. Through these times, there were the highs and lows - mostly lows, that I've faced not just with the support of my friends but my family as well. All this while, one person stood by me the most. She is none other then my mum.



Every week, she helps me get the things I need, washes my clothes (though now I would usually wash most of it in camp), cancels or changes her appointments on weekends to make sure I wouldn't go home to an empty place, cooks my favourite dishes, prays for me, sends me bible verses as a source of motivation, showers me with support and puts herself through all sorts of trouble to make my bookouts a little happier.



I never knew the power of a mother's love to be like that of Christ, especially my mum's silent, sacrificial love for me. She's been the railing along my path - guarding me and guiding me, never making a sound of complaint.



There was a time, when I was so depressed, I talked to my mum and shared about how hard it was to keep going in OCS knowing that my spiritual, social and family life is rotting away. She asked me, "Why don't you quit? Why do you still want to stay in there?"



I teared and replied, "For you."



She was heartbroken and told me not to do it for her, but to glorify God instead. She didn't want to see me suffer to make her proud, and told me that even if I chose to quit, she was already extremely proud of me. It was just like in the past during my 'A's when she told me not to stress myself out too much to get good results. Most parents do the reverse. Their kids do the reverse in return.



It's hard to believe such understanding, angel-like parents you would normally only see in TV serials, exist in real life. But not to me, because she's as real as can be. My mum's an angel. She's blessed and is a blessing to others. To me, she's the bestest mum in the world.



Thank you mum.

My 4th Dimension

It's been a long time since I sat down to think. The last time I did, my brain flowed with creative juices, pondering on how a person goes about balancing issues and aspects in life. I would often tell myself "what's there not to write when the unwritten has yet to be?". But now my mind goes blank all the time. I get the same feeling you would get when starting an essay. It's like an empty piece of paper with so many lines to fill, yet so little words to do the job.

Ever since my enlistement into the army, I've hardly taken any time to exercise my brains even though opportunities were there for the taking. My peaceful, slow-paced routine has almost been completely taken over by the regimentation. My ability to be sharp, observant, to think, and my appreciation for the simple things that once brought me joy gradually deteriorated. I feel my life becoming..ordinary. If there's one thing I fear most, it would be going through life without living it, without having the moments to take in the sights and sounds, without experiencing its joys and pains, or knowing how it is to live a life intertwined with a special other. Who wouldn't want a life rich with meaning and memories and die knowing that they will be remembered for it and more? Imagine my future children telling my future grandchildren, "let me tell you another great story of your ah gong..".

Back to where I am. I wrote this on a notebook while on training in Brunei. After Exercise Hornbill, I got heat exhaustion. The medical officer told me that the risk of heat stroke within one week after getting heat exhaustion is high and therefore, I was pulled out of the Jungle Confidence Course (JCC). JCC is, to many, the pride of an Infantry Officer and a mark of a true soldier as it is to me. Naturally, I was really upset, and a little guilty having nothing to do in bunk while the rest were suffering out in the field. Though I longed to be there with them, learning to survive and to overcome the pain and hunger, there was nothing I could do. Damn.

But on one of the nights, I took a messtin, solid fuel, cereal and some water out to the rocky area to cook up a warm nightsnack. With my little fire I sat in that open rocky area under the night sky. I found myself once again slipping into that space and time lapse, that familiar "realm of quiteness". I sat there for hours, remembering God's work in this world and that life is blessed.

It was the picture-perfect scene.

I now realise how much of a blessing it is to have the time and freedom to just sit and think. It's wonderful. When I do so, time stands still. My mood, my thoughts, my surroundings, everything will be calm and serene, and the noise in my mind will cease to sound. It's like going into a place with a perfect aura of tranquility I like to refer to as my 4th dimension. It's where a pure wave of silence washes over me as if Jesus stood over the storm in my mind and commanded it to be still.

How I miss having the time to seek peace in my little 4th dimension.

The Importance Of A Sister

The Importance Of A Sister
© Shiv Sharma

A sister is someone who loves you from the heart,
No matter how much you argue you cannot be drawn apart.
She is a joy that cannot be taken away,
Once she enters your life, she is there to stay.

A friend who helps you through difficult times,
Her comforting words are worth much more than dimes.
A partner who fills your life with laughs and smile,
These memories last for miles and miles.

When she is by your side, the world is filled with life,
When she is not around, your days are full of strife.
A sister is a blessing, who fills your heart with love,
She flies with you in life with the beauty of a dove.

A companion to whom you can express your feelings,
She doesn’t let you get bored at family dealings.
Whether you are having your ups or downs,
She always helps you with a smile and never frowns.

With a sister you cannot have a grudge,
She is as sweet as chocolate and as smooth as fudge.
Having a sister is not just a trend,
It is knowing you can always turn to her, your best friend.

The house is so much less lively now that my sister has flown back into the UK for her studies. The last weekend I spent with her was among the most memorable times we had together. Thank God for technology; we can call each other, and I can remember the moments in these photographs. Doesn't it give you a warm, fuzzy feeling when you reminisce on lovely moments on heartwarming pictures like these?

I love you jiejie! Jiayou for this year, I'll keep you in my prayers. =)